Goldbeater

This was so terribly stupid, naive and teenage minded that I'm almost sorry to give it that Boo! But well...

The 2013 Beverly Hills Cop is an unaired pilot for a series that was originally planned to be a follow-up to the films starring Eddie Murphy. The new main character was to be his son, played by Brandon T. Jackson, who would be assisted by Murphy from time to time. This forty-minute reboot and semi-sequel isn't bad at all, the plot under the skilled direction of Barry Sonnenfeld flows well and manages to emulate the atmosphere of the original film trilogy very well. On the other hand, unfortunately, it's not memorable enough to propel a whole new series (especially in competition with dozens of other lightly comedic crime shows), and has therefore been shelved. As a sort of one-off before Axel Foley's real return to Netflix next year, it's OK.

Ugh, that was a bummer. I hope John Carpenter at least got well paid for sticking his name on this. In terms of ideas and creativity, this miniseries is just the lowest and cheapest horror imaginable. The attempt at wannabe documentary stylization robs it of any semblance of creative signature, courage, or, in short, anything interesting or memorable. Even Carpenter himself took it seriously, probably to the extent of filming his directorial contribution via facetime from his living room (no kidding). A few hours after watching it, you'll forget you saw it. I honestly don't even know what I'm giving the second star for.

The Creator is a great technical achievement considering its budget of "only" 80 million dollars, because its magnificent visuals and production design put all those overpriced and computer-artificial sci-fi films of recent years to shame. Unfortunately, the same enthusiasm cannot be shared on the part of the script, the skeleton of which is a tired scheme that relies on so many coincidences and convenient strange decisions by the characters that it makes your head spin if you give it some thought. And it's a great pity, I would like to root for it.

Ridley Scott is a master of these historical spectacles and Napoleon turned out exactly as I imagined it before the screening - in the good and the bad. I'd start with the bad. Unfortunately, even with a two-and-a-half hour running time, the film is such a fast-paced tour through Bonaparte's life and career that at times it just jumps around too much from scene to scene, with secondary storylines and characters sort of appearing and disappearing again and connections left unfinished. That's a problem that will hopefully be solved in the promised four-and-a-half-hour version on Apple TV+. The war scenes are great, as we've come to expect from Scott, and overall the period stylings work perfectly, really throwing the viewer into the setting of wild Europe at the turn of the 18th and 19th centuries. Joaquin Phoenix approaches the legendary figure of world history with in a very civil way, and his Napoleon is engaging every minute he's on screen. I believe he will pull it off in the two hour longer version. Satisfaction with reservations.

A slasher flick where the legendary and unique figure of American cinema Joe Spinell (Maniac) once again shows that a descent into madness can be fascinating in itself. This film has the added value of having been shot guerrilla-style during the prestigious 1981 Cannes Festival, and thus serves as a kind of cultural time capsule in which it's just as fun to watch the little cinephile details in the background as it is to watch the plot-crucial moments unfolding in the foreground.

Mark Pirro knows how to do this bullshit, over-the-top humor about one idea. Seeing it alone at home, however, can't compare to the experience of seeing it in a full cinema.

Conann is a quirky modern take on the story of Conan the Barbarian. It captivates from the first seconds with its unconventional and inventive visuals, but is noticeably lacking a memorable and vigorous musical accompaniment to complement those fantastical visions, as Basil Poledouris did with the classic Conan the Barbarian. It must be added, however, that the reincarnation structure drops the ball several times in the later minutes, and the film's finale is just a set-up mush and a finished auteur's bollocks.

Rob Roy is a visionary. Unfortunately for me, his visions are equal to the worst audiovisual nightmares, where as time passes you wait more and more for them to finally come to an end.

This is the kind of thing you pray it will be bad in a fun way. Unfortunately, that's not the case here. Bloody Johann is a tedious combination of creative ineptitude and incompetence, annoying actors’ plankiness, and screenwriting cluelessness. This is what the Halloween special of a random afternoon soap opera would look like if someone had stretched it to an unbearable 90 minutes. The most fascinating thing about this project is that in the plethora of serious actors, the best and only conscious performance, given the nature of the film, is ultimately given by two porn actresses. I'm all for supporting a promising, even if cheap and enthusiastic, horror project in our culture, but this is definitely not the way to go. I haven't had such an urge to leave the cinema in a long time.